Do you love me?:
“What’s wrong with running away from reality if it sucks?” “Who is the self that forms myself?” “Who do you want me to be?” “What am I supposed to be?” “Why do I do what I do?” “Who am I?” “Who is my father?” “Who is my mother?” “Who am I?” “Who am I?” WHO AM I
Is what we do really important? Who forms your opinion of yourself? Who is the person that lets you know who you are? Is it you, or is it the others’ view of you? What is the true you that exists when no one and nothing is around? We are all comprised of the opinions of others and we are all made up of how we view others viewing ourself. Nothing we are or say is our true self, but merely the self that is reflected onto others and becomes ourself through refraction.
I am not myself and you are not yourself. The self-loathing inherent in human life is the product of our cumulative experiences with pain. Talking to others brings pain, talking to yourself brings pain, every attempt to get closer to others brings pain. All we can experience in knowing others is pain. This is the meaning of the hedgehog’s dilemma. Every time we attempt to bring ourselves closer to another self, we experience pain. Pain is a mandatory part of human existence and learning how to deal with it is what makes us a whole being as opposed to a self trapped in self-loathing.
We seek to validate ourselves through relationships with others. We do only what we think will make them happy. We validate ourselves through the praise of others. When others find us praise-worthy, we’re supposed to be happy with ourselves. We only work towards being praised by others or having others value us. This is true whether we’re trying to fall in love, perform well at our jobs or simply being polite. We do all of this to seek the praise of others to have others validate our existence.
We cannot value our own lives without others valuing our lives first. When left to our own devices, we naturally turn to despair and self-destructive behaviour. We seek to destroy ourselves because we deem ourselves unworthy of praise because we never received any.
Our exterior selves that we present to others do not represent our real selves. We are not our collected actions. We are not our intentions. We are not any of the things we present to the outside world. We are the sum and product of the reactions others have to our actions, intentions and presentations. If you present yourself as confident and rude, you are the reaction to that presentation. We are all the sum total of our interactions with others. If our actions and intentions portray a coward, you live a life of cowardice. If you run away from pain, you can only find despair as all pain is necessary to life.
Sadly, pain is the product of all of our interactions, and thus is inescapable.
Take care of yourself.:
Depression is living every day with the sad certainty that this day, the one you’re living right now, is the one where you fail to be happy even for a moment. Today is the day that nothing changes, you aren’t rescued, no one can see who you are or who you ought to be, you fail to register a positive emotion once and you end the day more miserable than you began it. It’s the certainty that if you’re not worse off yet, you’re just coasting until you find a way to ruin your self and your life even more.
And after all, living day by day like this is going to ruin your life, your self-esteem and everything you love. There is no method for opening yourself or your heart to others, there is no way to share your feelings with others in a way that borders on telepathy. Your ego will always prevent you from achieving actual harmony with another human being. Sometimes, it just sucks to be human.
Hanging on in quiet desperation, suffering day by day, when all you can feel is a desire to be happy again, and know what it was like to laugh. Really laugh, like when you were a kid. You’re still the same pathetic person you always were and always will be, but now you wake up every day reminding yourself of that fact. First hand experience with depression is not something you gain lightly. When it’s a struggle to get out of bed in the morning because you know everything you do is useless, longing for happiness might actually be the most happy thing you feel all day.
All this is to drive home the point that we cannot live a life alone and without others in it. Everything we have to find out–why we live, why we exist, what purpose we’re actually serving, how we’re supposed to live–has to be found out while surrounded by others. And depression means that you know, in your heart of hearts that they hate you. That everyone you know hates you. Running away from others will only lead to more pain. Doing exactly what they tell you to do will not bring you happiness. All of life and interaction is without purpose, all life is without value.
Even in another time, another place, some world where we could be happy and live without suffering, you would know that it’s not real. Suffering is how we define the reality of our existence. Being whoever they want you to be might lead them to act like they like you, but you’ll never feel like you like yourself. You’ll never see why you should be appreciated or thanked in any way. Living with this is the worst form of suffering, because every day will be a persistent reminder as to why you should not exist.
But maybe, some day, you get out of it, with the help of the people you love who love you. And you realize that being hurt is a small risk for being able to live.
Fourth arc overall: FOUR STARS Congratulations.