Train won for best pop song–that should be all you need to hear to know that these awards are going to blow. Oh, I know you can all tell me “But I love that song!”–I’m sure you all love your vaginas, too, AMIRITE? Okay, that was offensive, but hey. I think Trent Reznor said it best a few years back during his time on Twitter: the Grammys are simply another showcase for the puppets of a bloated, corrupt and dying industry. I’m not saying indie music is the answer to all of your major label woes–if you look at my top five albums of 2010, four of them are major label releases. I don’t know who’s nominated for what, but I can bet my bottom dollar that Rob Zombie and Devo haven’t been nominated for any awards this evening. And Cee Lo Green is the only one on that list I know who’s nominated for anything. SO LET’S GET CRACKIN’

How about that Lady Gaga. You know a friend of mine once told me a joke, here’s how it went. You know how you make a lady ga-ga? Poke her face. I’ve spoken at length how anime legends Studio GAINAX are notorious trolls. It wasn’t until I saw the 60 Minutes profile on her tonight that I realized Lady Gaga is the same thing. This woman has told you nothing of her personality, of her actual self. She’s revealed nothing, but she’s made you feel that you’re somehow an intimate stranger to her. You aren’t. Nobody is. She is nothing but the shadow of a commodity sold to poseurs–I’ve wasted enough words on her. See, Bruno Mars is on stage right now.

Bruno Mars is the voice on the hooks of “Nothin’ on You” by B.o.B. and “Billionaire” by some douchebag, but he’s also the co-writer of infectious hits “Right Round” by Flo Rida, “Wavin’ Flag” by K’naan and “Fuck You!” by Cee Lo Green, the soul machine himself. I don’t know how much of those songs he’s written, but I do know that “Fuck You!” was shortlisted for my personal song of the year (losing to Devo’s “Mind Games”–sorry, boys). This kid just put on the most electric performance in three separate songs–two of which weren’t even nominally by him. He just sang the best soul song of the night thus far–Cee Lo Green having yet to perform. He was the only pleasant surprise of the evening so far–but hey, now I’m balls deep in a Justin Bieber pile. That sounded vaguely like I was doing something very illegal.

Minutes later: Hey Lady Gaga! Next time, leave the rehearsed speech at home. You sound like a god damn recording of yourself. I didn’t know your thank you speech could sound as stilted and lifeless as your music, but hey–what did I expect from you. Also, don’t thank Whitney Houston for a song you stole from Madonna, that’s just bad taste. “I was born this way and that’s who I am!” Oh yeah? What about paederasts? Can NAMBLA use your song as their anthem for their particular brand of all-natural man boy love? They’re monsters too, Gaga. So why don’t you accept them in your tent of anything goes? Could it be because sexual relations with children are immoral? Couldn’t be.

Recent updates: Bob Dylan is alive, barely. And significantly more Jewish than he has been in previous years. The two country bands on prior to Bob didn’t suck, which is apparently the most anyone not named Cee Lo Green can aspire to after Bruno Mars. Lady Antebellum just won an award, but hey–HERE’S CEE LO GREEN brb

Finally, a performance that means something. OKAY LET’S OVER THINK THIS! “Fuck You!” is perhaps tonight’s best performance–a breathless satire of the big, spectacle-based performances from Katy Perry, Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga. Cee Lo Green came out dressed in tonight’s most outlandish outfit–yes, even more outlandish than Lady Gaga’s condom cape. They were wrapped in condoms. All of which were torn. She was born this way. Katy Perry pretends at some form of seriousness on a swing in a dress that prominently features the two reasons she got famous. So what does Cee Lo do? Not only is his song already better than all of theirs put together, but his costume is made of feathers and muppet rejects with a Spartan steel breastplate and a headpiece made of sapphires. WONDERFUL.

The song itself cannot be made any better or worse by an elaborate stage performance. Cee Lo knows this. Cee Lo knows that intimately. He, as a performer, knows that no song can be made better with costumes, lights and a bigass stage show. No performance but the one coming from your mouth and hands on an instrument can possibly change the song. So why not do something that looks exactly like the “conceptual” and “elaborate” setpieces of Lady Gaga but means the exact same amount of nothing? I say go you, Cee Lo. Btw, it’s satire and not parody cos people were taking him seriously.

I’m gonna take some time out now to say a few things before the broadcast ends. That smug bastard who heads this organization just told his audience that he’ll continue to support the myriad legal ways to enjoy the music of these great artists. In case any of you have lost some valuable perspective, that means that he assumes that every person watching his broadcast is a thief. You’re damn right I’m a thief. And the moment you start giving me high quality sonic entertainment that’s worth paying for–for instance, Cee Lo Green’s The Lady Killer, Kanye West’s My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy (conspicuously absent any nominations that I see), Rob Zombie’s Hellbilly Deluxe 2 or Devo’s Something for Everybody–you’re damn right, I will remain a thief. I respect the contributions you’ve made to the history of North American music and culture, but if the music doesn’t start getting a lot better a lot sooner, I will continue to not give you a red cent of my earned money. You parasitic FUCK.