I probably shouldn’t make a habit of celebrating these, should I? But it’s just so good an opportunity to unwind! Let’s get into it, here’s the first part:

You’re a ████ing idiot. Don’t █████ because you’re a lazy █████. This is not a movie review, and yet it’ll be one of the first things you’ll find if you google “Beyond the Game Review”. Quit wasting search space ██████.

– ████ing What?, UnrealClock@gmail.com

The last word was a six letter term for homosexual that means cigarette in England, if you were wondering. That should put the opening of my response in context:

I censored your hate speech, I hope you don’t mind. Actually, I don’t care whether you mind or not, so tough.

If you look at the categories this was posted under, you’ll see that they are (alphabetically): “Movies” and “Not-A-Reviews”. This isn’t some clever reaction to your comment, this is how it’s been categorized since the day I posted it. See, I know it’s not a review now like I knew it wasn’t a review the day I posted it. And, honestly, if you can’t glean that from the article itself, then you’re not interested in seeing the movie. Then again, you obviously did glean that from the article, saying “This is not a movie review”. … Again, I know that, you know that and anyone who reads it will know that. So I’m wondering why you commented here.

See, you call me a lazy prick. I accept the prick part, I’m not a good man, but lazy? Well, lazy for real world tasks, yes, I’d agree. I’m not exactly up on household duties, but I do my share. What concerns me is that you call me lazy without noticing that I’ve written over a thousand words per day on average since December 23rd. I know it’s not much, writing over 60 thousand words in seven weeks, but it’s hardly an effort that could be called lazy. “Oh,” I predict you’ll say, “I meant you can’t get subtitles to work on a movie cos you’re lazy.” Well, you know, yes. Yes, I am lazy that way, if being lazy means I want to watch a movie with the least amount of set-up and muck-around as possible. So do you, don’t you? You want to sit down and watch a movie when you put a movie on, not bother about trying to find the subtitles or find a program that can read them. You just want to sit there and watch the movie. Am I wrong? Do you intentionally set the subtitles on every Blu-Ray or DVD player you own to French, the menus to German and buy TV manuals only written in the finest of Hebrew?

Really, what perturbs me most about you, good sir, is your lack of decorum. This isn’t /v/. This isn’t your gamer forum of choice. This isn’t an anonymous, large-scale corporate site/news-aggregator. This is a personal blog. I know, I know–”but you publish reviews, how can you call it personal?” It’s all me. With the exception of one article on this site, I’ve written every word here. So when you leave a comment like this, you aren’t fighting the man. You aren’t a rebel and you aren’t a PC gamer showing how you’re so butch. You’re just a loser attacking a twenty year old Canadian shut-in. It just makes me sad to see guys like you, who think they’re always in the right and always deserve to have their way. That attitude is one of deep entitlement, and is one of the reasons that people don’t take video games as a medium seriously. Take a look around my blog–cos that’s what this is, a blog–and you can see that I wish we lived in a world where a Warcraft competition was taken as seriously as a chess tournament. I’m sure if I could’ve watched this movie, I’d be impressed by Grubby, Sky and their skills.

These reviews aren’t fact based. They’re subject to a lot of things. Viewing conditions, who I saw the movie with, whether I saw it on a Monday morning or Friday night. Or, indeed, whether or not there are subtitles included in the movie itself when distributed in English speaking communities. I was having a bad day, it was nearing my personal midnight deadline and I had to write something. While this article certainly was intended to be a review of Beyond the Game, in the end, I just couldn’t watch it. The distributor could’ve hardsubbed the .avi file and everyone would be fine. Instead, on the very page I linked to for the movie, people are complaining that they can’t see the subtitles. It’s not just me. It’s other people like you. Gamers. People who would be excited for a movie about the top two competitive Warcraft players in the world. And they can’t see this movie either. You brought up that people searching “beyond the game review” will find my review first. I’d like to mention the search string that led to this article that stuck out the most to me: “beyond the game documentary subtitles dont show up”.

It’s a personal blog. It’s something for me and my friends to have a laugh about an hour before midnight each day over MSN before we go to bed. So please, the next time you comment on my blog, treat it like you were talking to an actual person instead of an anonymous corporation that will probably delete your comment anyway. You have the right to free speech, and you make a valid point. My article probably shouldn’t be the first review of this movie somebody finds on Google. Tell you what–since I suspect that’s a real email address you’ve left with your comment, I’ll make you a deal. I watch this movie, dedicate a thousand words to it, and link to your article of same on this one. I’ll have a little disclaimer at the top that says “this is not actually a review of Beyond the Game, someone without a sense of humour about competitive Warcraft made me add this and explain the joke to you all, sorry you couldn’t exhibit independent thought and realize that if you were interested enough in a 61 minute movie about two dudes who fight each other with dwarves and elves on computers to google the title of the movie plus the word ‘review’, that maybe you didn’t need a review to tell you that you wanted to see it”. Whoa, never mind, that’s a run-on sentence, and we can’t have that.

Oh hey, btw, the day your big, expensive PC gaming PC breaks down or your XBox 360 red rings, gimme a call. I want to know how all that yoga, pilates and meditation you frequently do helped you to stay perfectly calm during that trying time in your life. Be ashamed of yourself, you uncouth, ignorant and narrow-minded ass. To paraphrase Clint Eastwood, get off my blog.

I feel badass, but I really shouldn’t. This guy will likely write back, so I look forward to bringing you his next profanity-laden, vaguely homophobic comment soon!

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