Inception won for Cinematography and Alice in Wonderland for Art Direction–WELCOME! to THIS YEAR’S! ABSOLUTELY! TONE-DEAF! OSCARS! Now, don’t get me wrong, Inception was beautifully shot, but Roger. Deakins. In a perfect world, that man would win every year from now until the end of time. Kirk Douglas is currently being the most adorable Spartacus giving Melissa Leo her award for Supporting Actress–and hey–that was the evening’s first f-bomb! Way to GO, Melissa Le-O! Justin Timberlake, will I ever grow tired of your antics? Of course Toy Story 3 won, but I was really pulling for Day & Night in Animated Short Feature. And now Aaron Sorkin is accepting a screenplay for his gorgeous, luscious and perfect dialogue. Entirely unlike his hairpiece–OH! I AM ON FIRE TONIGHT.

Christopher Nolan is currently looking at a night of snubs for his opus Inception–I mean, sure, it won for Cinematography, but that was Wally Pfister’s award, not his. Cos after all, how many guys who write and direct their own feature films–no matter how many of those are adaptations–are also directing the cinematographer. I liked Seidler’s speech though. Short, classy. Well-written. OOOOOOOOOOH BURN ON WRITERS. I’ve liked all of the speeches so far, but especially Melissa Leo’s. You’re right, Ms. Leo–Kate Winslet did make that look easy, but then again, she had like, eight nominations of practice. Still not as many as Randy Newman, composer for a good 20 nominated feature films. Really, the breakneck pace of the Oscars are unsuited to live-blogging–the Grammies had almost nothing happen due to being slowed down by performances of songs. Now I’m just sitting here, watching the Oscars, trying to write more than a sentence about every award and every speech.

I first heard of Susanne Bier on the Red Carpet when the people who were supposed to be interviewing her had no idea what her name was because their teleprompter failed. It just goes to show–do your research, or someone’s gonna find you out on live TV. Like, billions of people. Yep. And now Christian Bale is about to win Best Supporting. COME ON BATMAN. LET’S GO BATMAN. There we go. My girlfriend just agreed that King’s Speech is the better movie, but honestly–despite the movie it’s in, it’s a great performance. Like Forest Whitaker’s work in Repo Men or like Jude Law’s work in Repo Men or like Nicolas Cage’s work in Kick-Ass. I just want to remind you all that there are plenty of performances that won’t be honored at Oscar time that are as good or better than those nominated. Especially from performers who are frequently underrated, like Law or Cage.

Look at that, I’m nearly halfway through my word allotment. I’ll just keep rambling, is that cool by you? It’s a chronological liveblog, so if you were looking for something structured or anything like that, this probably isn’t the place to get it from. I’m just spewing this off the cuff. Can you tell it’s an ad-break? Now that we’re back, Inception is currently winning more spite-awards that Chris Nolan isn’t personally nominated for. Does Hollywood hate that guy or is that just what his neckbeard fans–OH RIGHT TRENT WON FOR SOUNDTRACK. I was wondering how the orchestra was going to play an entirely electronic soundtrack–then they didn’t. Is it bad that the word “neckbeard” went immediately in my mind to Trent Reznor? As one dude who’s gotta shave to another, bro–Trent, you gotta shave. Also, Atticus, you are the reason that soundtrack exists–bravo.

Original song nominees: My girlfriend reminded me of her rating of Tangled, fourteen stars. Other than that, Jake Gyllenhaal just gave the classiest reminded to us all to see more short films. AutoTune the NEWWWWWWWWS–autotuuuune! That was brilliant. Oh great it’s Oprah. Two seconds, smacking my head against a wall. We back? We back. Someone tell me why a media self-creation such as Oprah is presenting an award for non-fiction? My girlfriend was pulling for GasLand, I thought it was a given that it was going to Exit Through the Gift Shop in a bid for relevancy. Of course, Americans only love to talk about themselves, instead of art, homelessness or how fracking will kill all of their citizens, and gave it to Inside Job. Thanks, great to know that all the rich people can think of is how they’re fine and the richers haven’t gone to jail. Well, the directors aren’t rich, and I applaud them for their movie. Now I just have to see it, cos its notoriety was gigantic.

Billy Crystal is taking some time out to talk about hosting the Oscars, so I should likely mention that Anne Hathaway and James Franco are doing exactly the same bit as Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin from last year. You know who I liked? Jon Stewart. That guy was a mother, just a real shaker, just–funny, heartwarming, kind, and not afraid to laugh at himself. James Franco and Mistress Anne are doing a fine job, sure, just not a very–distinctive job. They’re just sort of on stage and talking. Though, any excuse to stare at Mistress Anne’s lovely features for hours on end, I’ll take. Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law bring their inimitable and irresistible chemistry to the stage again, with quite the crack at RDjr’s expense. More original song nominees. Should I mention that I found out that the horribly out-of-place autotuned vocals in the soundtrack to 127 Hours were the voice of the composer himself? Congrats to Randy Newman for being nominated 20 times and winning twice. 20:2. That’s a 10:1 ratio of nominations to wins. Kate Winslet, quit’ya bloodclot cryin’.

Lookit this, I’m nearly at a thousand words and this article isn’t done. Should I keep going on this? The in memoriam montage says I should. … SALLY! Oh god, how come Leslie Nielsen passes without comment, but Sally Menke makes me tear up? Oh god, do I wish I could go back in time and take that Best Editing award away from the guys who did Hurt Locker. Sally so badly should’ve won for Inglourious Basterds, being the kind of talent that made a career. Her quiet precision, the near surgical accuracy of her movies–I would like anyone who has seen both Hurt Locker and Inglourious Basterds to go back and watch two sequences. There’s a part in Hurt Locker where Jeremy Renner is running through the streets, trying to get to a bomb to disarm it (or something). On the way, he runs by a meat stand. And the order of shots is, I kid you not: RUNNING, MEAT. RUNNING. MEAT. Why are there two shots of meat? Why do we need the second shot of meat? How does that communicate anything in this film? Go back, watch the first reel of Inglourious Basterds again, and pause it when you’re tight in on Christoph Waltz’s face. And tell me when you got there, because I guarantee you, you didn’t notice, because it’s SEAMLESS.

Okay, what I’mma do right now is publish this and update the rest of this live. Cool? COOL.

See, I just found out the awards are going until midnight, and I have to update with a thousand words by midnight, and given that I just–what.

What. Tom Hooper? Really? I thought that director was a lock for Fincher. Portents of things to come? Ope, lifetime achievement awards, aka “Hey, we forgot to give you any awards, so here’s one at the end of your life.” How did neither Godard or Coppola get any awards? How did we let that slide? What’s wrong with us? I’m serious, what did we possibly do to–in any case. I’m just worried now that Best Picture is an open race. For the record, my call is Social Network, despite my favourite being 127 Hours. That’s just my favourite of the nominated films, though. If I were to have my way, films like Kick-Ass would be sweeping the awards right now. Sure, it’s a divisive film and is thus entirely unsuited to the Academy and their old white men leanings, but it’s a great film and should be thus honored.

It’s time for the blowjob awards. Sorry, I just hate the acting awards. It’s fifteen minutes of oral sex delivered by the presenter to their peers in their particular society. I like actors. I just don’t like watching them praise each other like they’re the most important people in the industry. I like them, I really do, I just don’t want to watch you breathlessly praise each other for your craft. Yes, other winners go on stage and thank their fellow nominees, but they do it with some amount of sincerity. You, you actors, just blow each other with hyperbole, stroking the–egos of each performer in turn eventually culminating in the release of–tears as the winner inevitably cries on live television. Yes, I’m a cynic, but so are you dicks when the cameras are off. Maybe I was bullied by actors as a child. (Yes, yes I was.) (They will tell you they were great to me.) (They are liars.)

And now even more of this. What the crap. Oh hey, mom, totally called it on Natalie Portman. Just wanted to put that in print, but now I know you’re gonna be bitter about this for a week. But hey, you like, totally called Natalie Portman too, right? 😉 I don’t know why, but one gender always wins over the others in terms of sincerity. Though, it’s hard to be more sincere than Sandra Bullock. That lady is a class act. Despite all the things that have happened to her in the past year, she’s still a funny, gracious and kind woman. I would falter under–Colin Firth, btw–I would falter under all of that and turn to cynicism. And it’s Colin Firth with the win. Who didn’t see that coming? Ms. Portman, Mr. Firth, your work was incredible this year, and I congratulate you on your wins. Now stop complimenting each other, for christ’s sake.

What. King’s… what? Uh… was anyone else betting Social Network?

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