Garden variety writer’s block.
Okay, blog. It’s time for you to hear about what I want to write about and why I can’t today. And why I couldn’t yesterday. And why I honestly doubt I’ll be able to write a thing this whole week, and how badly I need a vacation from this. I’m all for postaday2011–in fact, as I’ve mentioned before, it’s my New Year’s Resolution to post a thousand words for every day of this year, preferably on that day. As I finally admitted yesterday, I think I can be a bit lax with when the words are written, as long as the day the post was meant to occur is when it’s listed as being published. But a few worrying things have been happening as of late, and I feel like I should be writing about them instead of just thinking about them near constantly. I got Pokemon White the other day, and that indeed has been eating into my spare creative energy. The amount of thinking I normally put into my writing is now being spent leveling my Tepig (named BoomPig) to a sensible enough size to take on the second gym leader.
What’s also been happening is the purchase of a brand spanking new iPod touch, generation 4 (with FaceTime) and 64GB. I spent last evening making sure all the albums I wanted to listen to had artwork in the iTunes library. I’m gonna say now: I love the idea of Apple. Being a closeted objectivist, I absolutely love their talent and innovation led business model, but what I can’t get behind is the stupid amount of anti-piracy stuff they have in effect. Doing whatever you want with something you bought? Voids the warranty and renders it inoperable if Apple finds out. You can put music on an iPod, but you can’t take it off. So good luck to me if I wanted to listen to that entire MP3 collection my buddy Dan sync’d to my iPod for my birthday on something other than that same iPod. If they’ve changed that already, someone please reply in the comments and tell me.
And that’s the first idea for the first article I want to write: how, over the last ten years, I have resisted owning an iPod or iDevice of any kind until now and why I’m getting one this year instead of any other. I’m just having real trouble doing something like “Anime and me.” or “JRPGs and me.” for something as simple as an iPod. Everybody had one by the time I was sixteen, unless they were terribly poor, and it’s not like I was digging my heels into the ground and resisting them because workers commit suicide in the factories because of the daily beatings they endure. No, I wasn’t getting one because they were cool and in addition to having the world’s most marvelous taste, I also have half a gallon of hipster blood in me. If it’s cool, I don’t want to be seen with it. But there are so few experiences I had with the devices before I actually buckled under the vast pressure and got one. I’d have to mention my mom’s iPhone and iPad (both of which are delightful devices) and my girlfriend’s third-generation iPod touch in that article. Also, the nin: access app, which was a big deal that I regretted not being able to get.
This afternoon, I saw the Matt Damon/Ben Affleck written Good Will Hunting and that was another article I wanted to write. I want to write about the movie, but it’s straddling the line between overrated and fantastic so well that’s almost impossible to judge. It’s either a four star or a two star, but my mom made me delete it, so I won’t be able to watch it again to tell. The sad part about watching Good Will Hunting for me, though, was identifying very, very strongly with Will. An ignored and abused genius, left to die by a society that doesn’t bother to look for opportunity in the lower classes. And I’m upper middle class. I have it nowhere near as bad as he, and I am nowhere near as smart as he. But after being turned down by DemandMedia, who say they’re looking for freelance writers, I can’t help but feel like it’s something wrong with me. Like it’s all my fault. Just like Will himself says. The screenplay is ridden with cliches, the cliches themselves actually strengthen the story, the dialogue and performances are fantastic–it’s a hard movie to judge, but in the end, my review would come down to “God, I wish I could be Will Hunting.
“I wish that I could have someone swoop in, recognize my troubled brilliance and pay for everything I needed to succeed in life.” I wish there was someone who could network for me, so I didn’t have to gladhand and kiss ass to get a job. I’ve been told repeatedly today and before that the only barrier between me and a full time job is growing up–that all I have to do is all the stuff I am entirely incapable of doing and I’ll be fine. No one seems to understand me when I say that I have absolutely no desires of any kind, that I don’t like anything particularly strongly, that I wouldn’t be willing to brave anything to do any one thing in my life. I don’t care about any of it, but everyone hears that and tells me I must be lying.
There’s a point in the movie when Robin Williams asks Matt Damon what he wants to do in life. What, exactly, he wants out of it. And Damon says he wants to be a shepherd. Williams, smelling BS, tries to boot him out of the door. The ensuing argument has Williams reveal, loudly, that he knows that Damon has no idea what he wants to do in life and that that‘s why he can’t answer a simple question about himself. Guidance counselors didn’t understand me when I said the same thing back when I was in high school. My girlfriend was surprised that I went into a theater program, because she knew I hated the people. She also didn’t have people telling her that the kids in high school are never the kids in university.
Turns out they were.
So I just have plain old writer’s block. I can’t play Half-Life 2, my computer overheated and shut down trying to play Portal despite the cooling pad I just bought for it, these apps on my iPod are fun and I don’t feel like being miserable. So pardon me while I play with my Nine Inch Nails drum machine.