It’s hard to look back on what I’ve done here. I don’t even know if I’ve done anything. I know that with Volume 1, I gave myself a couple weeks to work through my feelings and find out exactly what I wanted to say before writing my big “so this is it” thing. I mean, I don’t even know what I’ve done this volume that’ll be notable or even looked upon after it’s all said and done. If this volume is anything, it’s the idea of just getting it out there. Publishing something because doing something will always trump doing nothing. And this volume, I’ve got a lot of stuff out there. I don’t know if it’s all good stuff. I know that rather a lot of it sucks. But I think I’m finally getting the hang of this blogging and writing thing. And that’s the good news. The good news being that along with getting the hang of things, I’m now using pictures to far greater effect while writing online, taking advantage of the stage my work is on and exploring the studio space, as it were.
But for all of that great exploration, there’s quite a bit of not-so-great going on behind the scenes. My commitment was to 1000 words a day, and if any of you have read every article I’ve published every day then you know I haven’t done that. This last week especially–the week I’ve dubbed post-modern week–has been awful for my word count. I like word counts. They help you maintain focus and a writing schedule and falling off of it is far too easy. Post counts, however, are something you can’t fall off of and filler is all too easy to make in these days of Vocaroo and YouTube. See, I don’t even think of this right here, this is reality as filler. That is a very necessary article that took a lot of faffing to get it to look the way it did and work the way it did. I count it as one of the most things I have ever published. No adjective for that, by the way, just the “most”. Not a typo.
But I count a lot of stuff I’ve done as filler these days. The West Wing liveblogs started out as a serious project, but quickly became a way to put off finishing Volume 2. I’ve published a lot of drafts, a lot of “clever”ly titled articles with significant initialisms, a lot of updates from hospitals. I don’t feel bad about letting down people in my life. I don’t feel bad about letting myself down. Okay, that bit about letting other people down wasn’t true, I feel bad about it, then feel bad about feeling bad then feel very bad about feeling so bad and it spirals on and on–anyway. I feel bad about letting this blog down, is what I was getting to. I feel bad about not meeting my commitments here to the one or two anonymous readers I have. I feel bad about posting so many filler articles that looking at the front page is hit and miss as to whether there’s actual content. I feel bad for letting Logan down on the Hearwax thing. I gotta get back to writing for those guys.
I look back at what I’ve done here for Volume 2 and I can’t help but feel disappointed. I feel very disappointed. I hate short-changing the blog. I hate short-changing what I want to do for the rest of my life. I wanted to do the Pixar review series, but couldn’t find the time or the booze to do so. I wanted to do a lot of things these last four months, and now I’ve wound up somewhere I’m not sure I’m capable of being. Of little use are the daily reminders of how very incapable I am. I can’t really talk about all that here, though, so never you mind. As much as I need a personal blog, I also have to realize that everyone is mad at me for not telling them every negative thing I think about them. I never quite understood that. I’m never happy when people rag on me for days on end, so why should someone be unhappy that I divulge my feelings elsewhere while waiting for them to go away?
The feelings, that is, not the people.
It’s late at night. It’s fewer than twenty to midnight and I don’t want to have to tell people what the words “I’m writing” mean. I suppose that’s a sign of being a writer. Wanting a dedicated block of time just to yourself without other people jawing at you about their lives. But so much of that is what blogging is–being perpetually jawed at by people you’re expected to praise for–WOW this is off track. There is no track.
There is no track, and I think that’s screwed me over. Point is, after this article and another serious one on Sunday, I should be back to full blog force. Toward the end of Volume 1, I had a prolonged period of not wanting to write anything. And instead of writing stuff every day and feeling guilty about not writing anything major every day, I just didn’t write anything. I’d written myself out and was going through more than I should have to. And now, it’s the same deal, except today, I have to keep writing. I have to keep hitting publish every day, treating this more and more like a tumblr instead of a blog. I don’t want a tumblr. It’s not suited to anything I want to do, being far too visual and far too short form for my tastes. I’m fine with twitter, despite the fact that twitter and tumblr do such different things as to be comparing apples and steak.
On a certain level, blog, I’m sick of writing. I’ve been considering quitting this for a while now, and I don’t just mean blogging. I can’t. When I called myself the king of the analogy a week ago, I never thought that my writing was an analogy for my life. As little effort I put into it, I still can’t quit. I find it hard to accomplish things and I find it hard to feel happy when I do. And I just wish I could stop, but I just can’t. But overall, while I’m writing, I’d just like to be left alone.
I’ve had fun with Volume 2, but it’s not my best work. And I’m hoping you’ll stick around for the future, cos I think this can get better if I get back in the game. Thanks for coming out, everybody.